It is well....

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
This song was very powerful to me as a child, adolescent, teenager, adult, mother and wife. I can hardly ever sing it without welling up with tears. Imagine the verse:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
What ever my lot??? Really? Will I always say it is well with my soul? I am not talking about the fake smile that we wear sometimes...I am talking about the true knowledge that God is in control and it is well. Does it mean that all will go well...and according to OUR plan...no. It means it is all in God's plan and God's time and we put our trust and faith in Him alone. It is well...
I lived this a few times, as I am sure many of you have. I will just share one such time in this blog. It was perhaps the most frantic of times in our lives as a young family.
Hub was deployed to Bosnia for 7 months. I as a mommy was barely keeping my head above water but through prayer and support really was getting through. We were having a few problems with our son...apparently behavioural problems...
We were asking for prayer for him and our family nonstop-knowing this was all in God's plan was a comfort to me. We believed it could have been depression because even his favorite things were no longer of interest to him. Eventually we found a sport that he was really optimistic about and excited to start- triathlons...he was a natural at this. Although it meant early mornings and long hours of training we were both very excited to do this training together. Things were definitely looking up for our family and I was excited to surpass another hurdle in a military family life.
Things changed rapidly on a late afternoon trip to the grocery store. I had all of the kiddos excitedly helping me gather our groceries for the week. The kiddos had alot of energy and were not using this energy to it's better purpose. At one such time I scolded them and told them they should not be touching plants and they could be allergic. My son turned a horrible elephant grey color and slumped down onto the floor. He was still fully conscious...but breathing heavy and sweating. Anxiety attack...of course. It made sense that he would have anxiety and depression...so we were not over the worst of his depression yet. I calmed him, asked him to take deep breathes and we finished our shopping and headed home. I did not think too much about this and wasn't sure I should mention the incident to Hub...so I didn't.
Two days later the sitter called me at work...my son would not move...he was conscious...but sweating and could not swallow well. Another anxiety attack.
By the time he had is third attack it was the weekend before his big triathlon, I decided we needed to get this looked at and took him directly to our local children's hospital. I told them what my diagnosis was and they agreed. I felt an unexplainable urge to ask them to look at my son's heart. The resident looked at me as if I was a hypercondriact- which I was willing to bear the label.
The ECG was normal, I was told- so I asked to look at it myself. Not normal...not even close. I asked for a copy- not sure where all my confidence was coming from. I took this copy to two good friends...one a cardiologist the other a shrink....told them both the story and they both said he needed a second opinion. Thankfully the hospital decided that he needed another opinion too and they called him back- only to quickly find out that my son had a life threatening heart condition. He did not have anxiety from depression but from the fact that his heart was constantly racing around 300 beats a minute...where yours and mine would be going at 80.
Now the job came for me to inform my Hub and get him home, because we were being transported to another children's hospital 5 hours away for treatment.
This is the day my prayer life became my life. Mothers who will get on their knees for their children have the most passionate cries to their heavenly father. While the whirlwind of having Hub flown home and finding a place for my other children took over- the fear of loosing a child was very real. I remember exactly where I was when I felt...it was well...with my soul.
We had no answers...but the peace that went through my body was palpable. It was well with my soul. I was still crying and fearful of the worst...but I was upright and on my knees....I was talking to a friend (my saviour) who sacrificed His son for me...the Lord heard my cries...He felt my pain. I stopped asking questions and started feeling again. Some days I felt joy for the small blessings, others I felt fear...but I did not feel alone.
Here we are almost 8 years later...every day a gift from God. I usually need frequent reminders of this gift :o)...being as I am human and all...
It is well...with my soul.
Taa taa for now
Kimmy

Finish

Here is another wierd thing about me. Most won't be surprised to know that I do not like to finish things. Becci had my number within a week of knowing me. On two seperate games nights we were partaking of some coffee and dessert. The second night she is clearing my cup and plate and says, HUH...
What?
Well have you ever noticed that you don't finish your coffee or dessert? she says.
Umm...no...no I didn't. I mean...no I don't do that...I finish them most times.
Ok, but you haven't the last two times we have had coffee and dessert.
Hmmm...I don't think I do.
So you know where this is going....turns out she was correct...I do not finish my coffee or dessert. I am not a finisher. I am a starter. I love to start things...I am not fond of finishing them. I finish races...but I hate that. I love all the time spent training for races but I am terribly disappointed with finishing them.
When chapters of our lives finish I tend to get a bit sad and reflect on how we could do it better. I usually need to convince myself to look on the bright side and see the positive on what is new and upcoming.
Becci likes to anaylyze why I won't finish my dessert...but she cannot figure out why I don't finish the coffee. I really have no clue for either.
Certain things, though, I love to finish. I love baking and cooking- so preparing, making and finishing a meal brings me great joy. I am good at this and so I like having it finished.
Finishing other projects, like essays and reports does not bring me joy. Most would feel the sense of accomplishment, whereas I feel the sense of things could be done better. If only there were more time to put better work into it or more research. Once I finish a project and look back at it I become so critical of how I could have done it better.
I think of how Jesus was hanging on the cross. He asked for a drink because His flesh was thirsty and then took the sip and said, "It is finished". He was confident up to his death. He knew His work was done and done right.
I need to have the confidence to finish things...see them through the tough spots and cross the finish line with joy.
Lent update: Still going strong! No Chips and No Bitterness... Bad news is I replaced them both with ice cream :o)
Taa taa for now
Kimmy

let it go..

Letting go of a little can help you experience some of the greatest joy. As you know I was challenged to let go of bitterness during lent. Well we are 2 weeks into this challenge and the feeling is amazing. I have certainly have had my challenges during these weeks and wanted to not only feel bitter but to be bitter. Being bitter is contagious...if someone is bitter around you it cannot really be helped to be bitter with them. I fall victim to this all to well and sometimes I will crave being around these people. Sometimes the bitterness is building up and I wanna be around somebody who can relate and feed the bitterness. I am probably the only person like this and I really can't say that many of my friends are the same...but they are so kind and generous to allow me to vent. But my bestest friends...well they will tell me the truth and just say...let it go Kim. Strong people will always use strong words and loving people will not allow you to drown in your bitterness. Bitter people are not fun to be around and they do not usually enjoy themselves day to day.
Let it go... How does one do that? Well back to my new hero the curling skip who won silver...she did not grieve over the loss of the gold but instead told her team to remember that the sun will come up again tomorrow and give us a new day full of new possibilities. That is true. Once I started letting go of the bitterness I began to enjoy some of the simple things that I had completely taken for granted. I have also had alot to be thankful for...Hub is moving home after 3 years...which is incredibly exciting. The biggest joys I have had over this is the time we have had to plan what the future looks like with all of us living together. We enjoyed having some friends over and during one of our dinner parties Hub shared his plan to have a vegetable garden this year. I cannot remember being ever so excited. I know what you are thinking...wow..a garden. Somehow in my weirdo bird nerd brain of mine ( I love birds..ok I admit it) the joy of growing our own garden together made me well up with tears. Once I was able to let go of the bitterness there was more room in my life for the joy of everyday.
So if you can...and I know you can...let it go. Don't dwell on it...deal with it...pray on it and give mercy.
Taa taa for now!
Kimmy

contentment

This photo was taken by my ever talented Hub. Looking at it makes me feel content, which says alot because I am hardly ever content. I know what it is to be content...I just do not have the capability of accessing that feeling all the time.
My Hub is content most of the time and I am always in awe of his ability to feel totally content even with very little. My children come in every shape of it...the first is content 80% of the time, the second is content 99.9% of the time and the third...well she is the image of myself...content 10% of the time.
Sometimes I justify my lack of content and say that I have a competitive nature...so I am always striving towards new goals, which is fine....but how do I actually feel when I achieve my goals? Well I rarely spend much time feeling anything...I go on to set the next goal.
Now, I am not saying that goals are NOT good, or that I am a huge supporter of complacency. It is all about taking stalk of what you have, where you are going and where you are. I am sure our Olympic women's curling team would have LOVED to have been Gold medal winners...but they are silver medal winners. I wonder if they have had the chance to feel contentment with this? To be 43 and win an Olympic silver medal...or to even go to the Olympics and compete is an amazing accomplishment, isn't it? How many of us would have been content with that? I know you go there to win the gold and hear your national anthem...but once you realize that is not what happened can you find the contentment of what life has given you?
Paul states, "For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Phil 4 :11.
I am sure in many people's lives this looks easy, but no one can say that Paul had an easy go of it, yet he learned to be content.
As Christians we need to be content in knowing that God's hand is in all things. I want...more than any other want...for there to be a cure for Colton's heart. I have had times when this desire has driven me to late night searches of physicians who will offer the latest treatment. I have lost sleep and had arguments with those that love me about the lengths I am willing to go to to achieve this. In the end- once I check in with my almighty Life Coach (God)- I place this desire back into His loving hands and know ...yes I know....that He is taking care of me.
I have also suffered from materialistic wants too. I am hoping someone out there can relate to this...cuz most of my bestest friends and my Hub do not seem to be inflicted by this desire. Most have learned to be content in what they have and to set reasonable goals for themselves. I have always surrounded myself with these types of people so that I will always be reminded of the important things.
This summer I had an opportunity to visit one of my bestest friends in beautiful Kelowna. She has always been a beautiful content person- even when we were 18. When we met up she had just moved to this new town far from her friends, family and no hope of getting a job. She had already had her house robbed- a story she only recalls when we asked what is up with the video surveillance at her house. Yet she greeted us with wide open arms and was enthusiastic to hear of our adventures.
She has never been one to focus on the negative, instead she invites us to sit in her back yard and have a glass of wine as we over look the mountain view. She tells me how they harvested some popcorn this year. I asked her how much....she said enough for one large bowl for all of us to share. Wasn't that alot of work for one bowl? Not to her...to her that was a small success that they shared as a family. She has had disappointments, but these do not consume her and they will not deter her. Sure she wants and needs a job, but she has been patient in knowing it will all come in time and has taken this time off to do things she would otherwise not be able to.
That is just one of my friends...Char, Louise, Becci and Claudia all have likewise shown what it means to just be content in what you have. I feel so blessed to have them in my life to remind me of the little things that can bring contentment. I am especially content when I spend time with my friends, my Hub, my children and my God!
Taa taa for now!
Kimmy