Letting Go

Letting go-

No one prepares you- do they? I should have seen this coming, but really how could I? Over 17 years ago when I had this wonderful boy placed in my arms I held on to him tight. I protected him and loved him. When he was 2- then I could have easily let him go ( and boy did I think about it).
Now he is 17 and wants his independence. Wow. Where did this come from? Questioning God, his mother and general rules that don’t really make sense but that we follow anyway.
I should have seen this coming. As a four year old boy he walked up to me with determination in his stance and said,I want to ride my bike.
He was fully dressed- which was odd. Up until this day he could not seem to dress himself, no matter what type pants I bought or shirts he just refused to have the ability to dress himself. This day he stood before me with his shirt on backwards, shorts that did not match and a big smile.
After finishing getting his sisters ready we head to the back yard where his trike is kept. Colton walks to the shed and pulls out the two wheeled bike we bought a couple of weeks ago at a yard sale and tells me he wants to ride THIS bike.
Should have seen this coming- both his friends are one year older than him and started riding their two wheelers a few weeks ago- keeping up with them on a trike was just not working. I tried to explain to him that we needed training wheels first and that he was a whole year younger than Mitchy and Ben.
I WANT TO RIDE MY BIKE PLEASE. Yep, he said please.
Here’s the thing- not only could the kid not dress himself- but he could not buckle his seat belt or feed himself relatively well, now he thinks he can do two wheels. We have been trying with the seat belt forever…buckling three kids was exhausting. I tried everything and even had a melt down with him one day where we sat in the hot car for half an hour trying to get him to try. He simply looked at me and said Please mommy NO. Again he said please and we quit.
So today he thinks he can ride a bike. I was not ready. I’m not even sure the bike we bought is safe or ready to be used. Colton has it out on the road before I can even blink. No- not on the road buddy. We are going to try the grass- softer landing and harder to get biking (that way he will give up quicker!) He should have been afraid- but there was no fear on his face- just determination.
So I point the bike in a direction that is clear and firmly place my hands- one on the seat and the other on the handle bars. I start to give a bit of direction and before I can get the words out he is peddling. Since I haven’t run in quite some time I am finding his pace a bit challenging. Colton sees this and yells, Let go.
I try but I can’t. I can’t let go. As if my hands are glued to the bike I can’t let go. What if he falls? I didn’t tell him how to break. He isn’t ready. ( I’m not ready)
LET GO MOM!
And I did.
He didn’t fall, not right away. He biked with a big smile on his face. So proud of what he had done.
Until I realised he wasn’t wearing a helmet. All my pride was replaced with fear. I started screaming at him to stop!
Then he fell.
I ran to him to help him-but he wasn’t hurt he was smiling ear to ear so proud of what he had done. From that moment on he no longer needed me to hold the handles. He could ride a bike without me.
Here we are at 17, a whole year after when he could have got his drivers license. He showed no interest in getting the license until we pushed him to write the test. The rest is history- he wants to drive all the time and he is driving like he has been a driver all his life.
But I’m still not ready to let go.
He is out later with friends and talks less about what he is doing.
I’m still not ready to let go.
I pray more now then I ever did- and only with prayer do I ever get to sleep.
I am learning to let go and let him grow.
I like who he is becoming.
I hope he likes me.
I hope he understands the mistakes we make and still loves me through that.
I think I will lock up his sisters and forget about letting them go…this is too hard.
But he is ready and I am learning to let go.
This is the time that I lean on my friends and God.

Pure

2nd Timothy 2:19-26
22Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
The key is the pure heart, isn't it? A pure heart can look different with each person who possesses it.
Some would think a meek person has a pure heart- but not always necessarily the truth- some are harboring the resentment inside.
I know when I think of someone with a pure heart a few faces go through my mind- all quiet, yet strong in their conviction. When I am around these people I feel instantly safe and secure.
My sister is a pure hearted person and as such she believes in the good of others. She is more trusting then most people today are. I know she wouldn't pick up a hitch hiker, or anything like that...but she sees those in need before most of us.
Hub on the other hand is a strong minded- yet pure hearted person too. He is not content to live in this world and meet only his and his families needs. He believes all of us need to be tapped into the community we live in and help with a willing heart.
Although my Hub is pure of heart he is not convinced that anyone else is...and he puts on this outer shell so that the rest of the world does not see his soft side.
My sis does not do that...she leaves herself open- purely.
I am so lucky to have these pure of heart people around me.
Taa taa for now
Kimmy.
Also: said goodbye to another pound this week....hope to have a few more join that one soon!

GREAT expectations

The title of my blog today would make a great pregnancy book title....but alas that is not what I am writing about today. Phewff.
The picture I have attached to this blog is a print that Hub gave me when our son was about 6 months old. We had some great expectations of that little boy, and for the most part he has met those expectations, but realistically there was no way anyone could meet all of our expectations. When we learned that he had a disease our expectations changed. It seemed for us that our expectations all came crashing down, so we adopted the philosophy of not expecting anything good to happen. I know that does not sound like a sound healthy belief...but I am sure many parents who have children with illness will describe this feeling. Once our son noticed our change in expectations he was pretty vocal about it. His words were pretty strong for such a young fellow, but he told us that if we were giving up on him then he was quitting too. This was not an option, obviously, so we all learned together that expectations change but they can remain great.
Last night we had our parent teacher interviews with him. Highschool teachers talk alot about expectations. Our son was not meeting alot of the expectations and Hub is quite frustrated about this. Although academically he is not achieving what his potential is, I was encouraged to learn that as a student he exceeded their expectations. He is polite, courteous, quiet and answers questions when needed.
He can do better- but he needs to expect this of himself...all I expected was achieved.
What does our Father expect from us? Set your own expectations high and you will succeed some of the time and you will fail other times. God does not want us to be afraid of failure...

Psalm 46
For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A song. [a]
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

Taa Taa for now
Kimmy

Words of Bitterness

My daily morning exercise led me directly to this verse....hmm I guess I do not need to wonder what the Lord is asking me to discipline in my life. Read it for yourself:
Ephesians 4:25- 32 says:
25Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do not sin"[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 28He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Fault is all around us. We really don't need to look very far to see it in ourselves or in others. Having said that....good things are there too. For lent I had to give up words of bitterness....and I really did struggle with this...as did my friend. We tended to have quiter walks- until we started using words of kindness and uplifting words of those that we spoke of. Praising others around you can be very rewarding and positive. Some of the most frustrating moments of having teenagers can really get a parent down...but when you are forced to see their positive qualities along with the negative everything can really be put into perspective.
When you choose to give up bitterness you will lose alot of the weight that goes with it. It is much easier to forget the wrong doings when you have not spoken or dwelled on them...instead you gave them over for positive thoughts and actions.
Take a breath and breath in the positive air around you...when frustration comes your way- don't react just smile. The first time it will be a fake smile...the second time it will be a forced smile and by the third time you won't even realize you are smiling!
Taa taa for now
Kimmy
On the other note...Wii Fit says I lost 3 lbs already!! woo hoo!!

My life with Lettuce

My D I E T begins today. Dont' worry this blog is not gonna turn into the Oprah diet turmoils blog...just part of my life that I would like to see more discipline in. Much like lent (which ended just in time for me to no longer have chips) I will be mentioning my progress to keep me accountable.
For a person who loves control I certainly do loose control around the buffet table. I need to excercise control in so many areas of my life and I am starting today. I want what everyone wants....a balanced life. The only problem is that no one told us how much work that would take!
I can become obsessive about things I want to control...so I have decided to take small measures of control and be patient with the results.
I am no different then the person who smokes a pack a day of cigarettes...making the decision to quit is always the first step...acceptance of that decision from yourself and others is the hardest step.
I have decided to eat like my body is a temple...eat when I am hungry and to excercise once a day.
I am on a spiritual diet too. Over the winter months the busy hectic schedules of the kiddos sports have kept us away for our house of worship...and I feel the burden of the extra pounds from that too. I am going to excercise my spritual life every morning with my coffee and my physical life every evening with my Hub and Kiddos.
Let's see a happier healthier me.
Taa taa for now!
Kimmy

It is well....

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
This song was very powerful to me as a child, adolescent, teenager, adult, mother and wife. I can hardly ever sing it without welling up with tears. Imagine the verse:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
What ever my lot??? Really? Will I always say it is well with my soul? I am not talking about the fake smile that we wear sometimes...I am talking about the true knowledge that God is in control and it is well. Does it mean that all will go well...and according to OUR plan...no. It means it is all in God's plan and God's time and we put our trust and faith in Him alone. It is well...
I lived this a few times, as I am sure many of you have. I will just share one such time in this blog. It was perhaps the most frantic of times in our lives as a young family.
Hub was deployed to Bosnia for 7 months. I as a mommy was barely keeping my head above water but through prayer and support really was getting through. We were having a few problems with our son...apparently behavioural problems...
We were asking for prayer for him and our family nonstop-knowing this was all in God's plan was a comfort to me. We believed it could have been depression because even his favorite things were no longer of interest to him. Eventually we found a sport that he was really optimistic about and excited to start- triathlons...he was a natural at this. Although it meant early mornings and long hours of training we were both very excited to do this training together. Things were definitely looking up for our family and I was excited to surpass another hurdle in a military family life.
Things changed rapidly on a late afternoon trip to the grocery store. I had all of the kiddos excitedly helping me gather our groceries for the week. The kiddos had alot of energy and were not using this energy to it's better purpose. At one such time I scolded them and told them they should not be touching plants and they could be allergic. My son turned a horrible elephant grey color and slumped down onto the floor. He was still fully conscious...but breathing heavy and sweating. Anxiety attack...of course. It made sense that he would have anxiety and depression...so we were not over the worst of his depression yet. I calmed him, asked him to take deep breathes and we finished our shopping and headed home. I did not think too much about this and wasn't sure I should mention the incident to Hub...so I didn't.
Two days later the sitter called me at work...my son would not move...he was conscious...but sweating and could not swallow well. Another anxiety attack.
By the time he had is third attack it was the weekend before his big triathlon, I decided we needed to get this looked at and took him directly to our local children's hospital. I told them what my diagnosis was and they agreed. I felt an unexplainable urge to ask them to look at my son's heart. The resident looked at me as if I was a hypercondriact- which I was willing to bear the label.
The ECG was normal, I was told- so I asked to look at it myself. Not normal...not even close. I asked for a copy- not sure where all my confidence was coming from. I took this copy to two good friends...one a cardiologist the other a shrink....told them both the story and they both said he needed a second opinion. Thankfully the hospital decided that he needed another opinion too and they called him back- only to quickly find out that my son had a life threatening heart condition. He did not have anxiety from depression but from the fact that his heart was constantly racing around 300 beats a minute...where yours and mine would be going at 80.
Now the job came for me to inform my Hub and get him home, because we were being transported to another children's hospital 5 hours away for treatment.
This is the day my prayer life became my life. Mothers who will get on their knees for their children have the most passionate cries to their heavenly father. While the whirlwind of having Hub flown home and finding a place for my other children took over- the fear of loosing a child was very real. I remember exactly where I was when I felt...it was well...with my soul.
We had no answers...but the peace that went through my body was palpable. It was well with my soul. I was still crying and fearful of the worst...but I was upright and on my knees....I was talking to a friend (my saviour) who sacrificed His son for me...the Lord heard my cries...He felt my pain. I stopped asking questions and started feeling again. Some days I felt joy for the small blessings, others I felt fear...but I did not feel alone.
Here we are almost 8 years later...every day a gift from God. I usually need frequent reminders of this gift :o)...being as I am human and all...
It is well...with my soul.
Taa taa for now
Kimmy

Finish

Here is another wierd thing about me. Most won't be surprised to know that I do not like to finish things. Becci had my number within a week of knowing me. On two seperate games nights we were partaking of some coffee and dessert. The second night she is clearing my cup and plate and says, HUH...
What?
Well have you ever noticed that you don't finish your coffee or dessert? she says.
Umm...no...no I didn't. I mean...no I don't do that...I finish them most times.
Ok, but you haven't the last two times we have had coffee and dessert.
Hmmm...I don't think I do.
So you know where this is going....turns out she was correct...I do not finish my coffee or dessert. I am not a finisher. I am a starter. I love to start things...I am not fond of finishing them. I finish races...but I hate that. I love all the time spent training for races but I am terribly disappointed with finishing them.
When chapters of our lives finish I tend to get a bit sad and reflect on how we could do it better. I usually need to convince myself to look on the bright side and see the positive on what is new and upcoming.
Becci likes to anaylyze why I won't finish my dessert...but she cannot figure out why I don't finish the coffee. I really have no clue for either.
Certain things, though, I love to finish. I love baking and cooking- so preparing, making and finishing a meal brings me great joy. I am good at this and so I like having it finished.
Finishing other projects, like essays and reports does not bring me joy. Most would feel the sense of accomplishment, whereas I feel the sense of things could be done better. If only there were more time to put better work into it or more research. Once I finish a project and look back at it I become so critical of how I could have done it better.
I think of how Jesus was hanging on the cross. He asked for a drink because His flesh was thirsty and then took the sip and said, "It is finished". He was confident up to his death. He knew His work was done and done right.
I need to have the confidence to finish things...see them through the tough spots and cross the finish line with joy.
Lent update: Still going strong! No Chips and No Bitterness... Bad news is I replaced them both with ice cream :o)
Taa taa for now
Kimmy