Letting Go

Letting go-

No one prepares you- do they? I should have seen this coming, but really how could I? Over 17 years ago when I had this wonderful boy placed in my arms I held on to him tight. I protected him and loved him. When he was 2- then I could have easily let him go ( and boy did I think about it).
Now he is 17 and wants his independence. Wow. Where did this come from? Questioning God, his mother and general rules that don’t really make sense but that we follow anyway.
I should have seen this coming. As a four year old boy he walked up to me with determination in his stance and said,I want to ride my bike.
He was fully dressed- which was odd. Up until this day he could not seem to dress himself, no matter what type pants I bought or shirts he just refused to have the ability to dress himself. This day he stood before me with his shirt on backwards, shorts that did not match and a big smile.
After finishing getting his sisters ready we head to the back yard where his trike is kept. Colton walks to the shed and pulls out the two wheeled bike we bought a couple of weeks ago at a yard sale and tells me he wants to ride THIS bike.
Should have seen this coming- both his friends are one year older than him and started riding their two wheelers a few weeks ago- keeping up with them on a trike was just not working. I tried to explain to him that we needed training wheels first and that he was a whole year younger than Mitchy and Ben.
I WANT TO RIDE MY BIKE PLEASE. Yep, he said please.
Here’s the thing- not only could the kid not dress himself- but he could not buckle his seat belt or feed himself relatively well, now he thinks he can do two wheels. We have been trying with the seat belt forever…buckling three kids was exhausting. I tried everything and even had a melt down with him one day where we sat in the hot car for half an hour trying to get him to try. He simply looked at me and said Please mommy NO. Again he said please and we quit.
So today he thinks he can ride a bike. I was not ready. I’m not even sure the bike we bought is safe or ready to be used. Colton has it out on the road before I can even blink. No- not on the road buddy. We are going to try the grass- softer landing and harder to get biking (that way he will give up quicker!) He should have been afraid- but there was no fear on his face- just determination.
So I point the bike in a direction that is clear and firmly place my hands- one on the seat and the other on the handle bars. I start to give a bit of direction and before I can get the words out he is peddling. Since I haven’t run in quite some time I am finding his pace a bit challenging. Colton sees this and yells, Let go.
I try but I can’t. I can’t let go. As if my hands are glued to the bike I can’t let go. What if he falls? I didn’t tell him how to break. He isn’t ready. ( I’m not ready)
LET GO MOM!
And I did.
He didn’t fall, not right away. He biked with a big smile on his face. So proud of what he had done.
Until I realised he wasn’t wearing a helmet. All my pride was replaced with fear. I started screaming at him to stop!
Then he fell.
I ran to him to help him-but he wasn’t hurt he was smiling ear to ear so proud of what he had done. From that moment on he no longer needed me to hold the handles. He could ride a bike without me.
Here we are at 17, a whole year after when he could have got his drivers license. He showed no interest in getting the license until we pushed him to write the test. The rest is history- he wants to drive all the time and he is driving like he has been a driver all his life.
But I’m still not ready to let go.
He is out later with friends and talks less about what he is doing.
I’m still not ready to let go.
I pray more now then I ever did- and only with prayer do I ever get to sleep.
I am learning to let go and let him grow.
I like who he is becoming.
I hope he likes me.
I hope he understands the mistakes we make and still loves me through that.
I think I will lock up his sisters and forget about letting them go…this is too hard.
But he is ready and I am learning to let go.
This is the time that I lean on my friends and God.